I had high expectations heading into 5 Napkin Burger. The reviews were decent plus with a $15 price tag for burger & fries, I felt like we were going to a Steakhouse. Walking in we were very impressed. The décor was nice with muted lighting, very date night appropriate. But really, who would try to bring a date to a restaurant where you make a hot mess of yourself trying to eat & you'd be more prone to promptly high five your date so you can rush home to take a hot shit than to invite home for a nightcap. I dunno.
The service was great but the food... well to put it bluntly, was straight up nasty. The place is called 5 Napkin Burger, I understand, but it seems they go out of their way to make the burger super messy. The produce is super fresh, but only acts as a lubricant to the already juicy burger. Try and take a bite and keep the contents intact. Straight Blowout every time.
The patti is 10oz ground chuck and the average grill can't accomodate such a large sandwich unless you're a snake with detachable jaws or Dagwood. But the biggest problem was the bun, which is buttered on both sides of EACH part of the bun then grilled. So unless you have fingers of griptape, there's no way you can hold onto the burger in any proper manner.
And now the worst part. I was ecstatic to find tater tots as a substitution for the fries. However, the tots aren't your normal Ore-Ida steez. It's actually fancy pants mashed potatoes with swiss and herbs and bullshit then deep fried. Fucking gross. They really didn't have much flavor so to make up for it, they were LOADED with salt. Don't get me wrong, I put salt on everything even pizza, but you could melt an icy sidewalk with a dozen of those things.
I've never had a burger I couldn't eat. From the Golden Arches to a homeade Mommy burger on white bread, it's all good. I eat two Double Doubles every In & Out visit but sadly, I only ate half of my burger. The waitress came by and joked, "You didn't like it?". I responded with, "not really". She left saddened with a rare unhappy customer. Just give me the classics as is. Don't fuck with an original. I can't stomach a piece of meat for the next couple days, but I'll need redemption In & Out Style from the Burger Joint or the Shake Shack.
It's ironic that they don't actually provide any napkins, but more a quarter sized tablecloth hanky, that you leave molested like a butchers apron.
The icing on the cake of the evening was going to watch the deeply depressing "The Reader". I didn't expect to watch Kate Winslet get pounded out the first half of the movie. I guess that's what gets you an Oscar nod just like Holla Berry in Monster's Ball. Another feel good movie. Go watch it for discussions sake, but don't inhale a 2500 calorie meal that you're sweating out for the 2 hour duration of the film trying to ward off the uh-ohs.
